The Dark Interval

 The Dark Interval is a series of letters of condolence that the poet Ranier Maria Rilke wrote to various friends over his life. Each is addressed to someone who has just suffered a loss, whether of a spouse, a parent, a sibling, or a friend. Each attempts to console the survivor while Rilke explains his view of death.

I found this collection to be, of all things, affirming. Which was really unexpected.

This passage, in particular, really spoke to me:

...you must continue his life inside of yours insofar as it was unfinished; his life has now passed onto yours. You, who truly knew him, can quite truly continue in his spirit and on his path. Make it the task of your mourning to explore what he had expected of you, had hoped for you, had wished to happen to you. If I could just convince you, dear friend, that his influence has not vanished from your existence.

When Kevin passed, I set about trying to finish his unfinished business. I moved forward with house projects we'd been planning. I found his to-do list and started checking things off. It gave me purpose while also letting me feel like I was honoring him and his memory.

Rilke also frequently refers to grief as a state of being full of emotion, and that certainly rang true. A good part of it is my three young kids, but my life has never felt more full. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad, but there is just so much of it that I often find it hard to properly grieve. But, Rilke seems to say, this is a way of grieving, too. It's not just sorrow and hollowness. It's continuing on in their absence.

I'm glad I stumbled across this collection, especially since I was able to read it during Kevin's birthday. It helped me sort through everything so I could read the book and remember Kevin and still celebrate his life with my friends and take care of my kid and enjoy the absurd fullness of my life.